Friday Funnies: Academia Explained, via the Muppets

https://i2.wp.com/publicradio1.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/oncampus/files/2014/01/academia-muppets.jpg

One blogger we came across said that his Emeritus Profs were more like this:

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Friday Funny: Grad School Barbie

REBLOGGED from Joanna Renteria:

A new gift idea for your loved ones: Graduate School Barbie (TM).

Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: Delusional Master’s Barbie (TM) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (TM).

Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). She also has adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.

Read more here

Wonder what Grad School Wife Barbie would look like? :)

~Mandy & M.C.

Friday Funnies: You Know You’re a Graduate Wife When….

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1. People ask you where you’re from and you feel there’s no simple answer anymore. You may give your parents’ state and feel like you’re fibbing or be compelled to tell that you just moved from such and such city for the first Master’s degree, and loved it but don’t really call that home … and the story goes on.

2. You occasionally feel jealousy over the “other woman,” also known as The Dissertation or her close femme fatale cousins, The Laptop, The Library and The Lab.

3. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband or check his schedule and you find yourself emailing to start the conversation.

4. You find a way to eat like kings on less than $5 a day–with a lot of creativity and some admitted concessions (21 ways to serve beans, anyone?).

5. You become an expert bargain shopper and thrift store addict and forget that people do occasionally pay retail.

6. You know Saturdays only partially count as the weekend.

7. You find yourself celebrating unusual successes. “Here’s to the rare book that perfectly supports your argument that just became available in German, sweetheart. Have a cupcake!”

8. Questions from friends and family that used to seem perfectly normal, now strike you as hilarious in their audacity that you might actually know the answer:

“So when will you guys finish the degree?”
“”What’s next after school?”
“Where do you plan to live in a few years?”

Hahahahahahahahaha.

9. You become all too familiar with the true meaning of terms you never knew would be so life-shaping: confirmation of status, matriculation, scholarly journals, publishing, stipend, tenure, hireability.

10. Lots of people “back home” keep referring to your life as if you’re on vacation–or that they are. Or perhaps as if you’re a wayward, runaway teen:
“Wish you were here!”
“When ya’ll are back we’ll have to …”
“How much longer until you come back home?”

-Compiled by Laura Lee, a current graduate wife

Friday Funnies: What does an academic job advertisment really mean?

The truth behind that job advertisement for a lectureship/assistant professorship

Location: Somewhere you don’t want to live
Salary: Nowhere near enough given the ridiculous number of qualifications you have
Contract type: Full-time permanent*
Interview Date: 
Don’t worry, you probably won’t make this stage

 *”Permanent” refers to your expected working hours on campus, NOT your job security, benefits, healthcare etc.

Background

We are seeking a candidate to replace an academic that went senile over 20 years ago, but who has only just retired.

Candidate Evaluation

The candidate must have a PhD from an institution where ivy grows up the sides of old historic buildings and 5-10 years of postdoctoral experience with all the world-experts in their chosen research area. The successful candidate will have published every experiment that they have performed in the last 10-15 years, and some that they did not (only publications in  Science or Nature will be considered valid). The candidate is expected to spend their days teaching undergraduates, and their nights working towards developing a world-class research career – it will obviously be advantageous if the candidate does not have friends, family, hobbies or eyelids. The candidate will have an enthusiasm for teaching**.

**Demonstrating this enthusiasm once you have the job will result in zero career progression and incessant mocking from colleagues.

Holidays

Hahahahahahahaha

Application Process

Enquiries should be directed to our overworked secretary, Mavis; she will probably lose it first time around, so send a second enquiry about 1 week after you submit the first one. When applying, please submit your curriculum vitae – the heavier the better; anything that can be picked up by a single person, or can be read in less than 2 weeks will not be considered.

Interviews

Five lucky candidates, who meet the ridiculous criteria stated above, will be invited to be pummeled (verbally and physically) by a pack of cantankerous academics. Candidates will then be locked in a room together with a single 2×4 coated in barbed-wire. The last one left breathing will be given the job.

Further information:

We aim to be an equal opportunities employer. However, we are not very good at this: white, socially awkward males with excessive facial hair are preferred; females will only be considered if they demonstrate absolutely no desire to start a family.

reprinted with permission from David Alridge, PhD student and Marine biologist, from his blog, Words in mOcean.